


The Fragility of a Vulcan Heart

by xDestinyIsCallingx



Category: Star Trek Pre-TMP, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M, that's all folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-28 07:25:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16236986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xDestinyIsCallingx/pseuds/xDestinyIsCallingx
Summary: A prequel of sorts to P.S. I love you from Spock's point of view. Spock is hurt by Jim's decision to become Admiral.





	The Fragility of a Vulcan Heart

**Stardate:** _2270\. End of the USS Enterprise's five year mission._

Spock sat in his quarters at Starfleet in shock. He couldn't believe what he had just heard, it couldn't be so. Jim had taken the Admiral's position. Spock had prided himself on controlling his emotions with great discipline but the betrayal that coursed through him, he didn't even try to reign it in. He realised now that this was the consequence of letting Jim in too far, because of the deep friendship that had formed between them he was now susceptible to the pain that came with it. Spock had thought that Jim would never have even considered taking the promotion, he had said, to his face that he had nothing to fear. Did Jim realise what he had taken from him? He had thought finally he had found a place he could call home, the people he had served with for five, it would seem not nearly long enough years, had become his family and now because of Jim's decision it was all gone.

He did not think it would be possible to feel this way towards Jim. He felt resentment, yes, but there was still the feeling of strong attachment mixed throughout which confused Spock. Surely such a feeling of treachery should be plain and simple, to have more than one emotion at a time warring within him made him even more angry for not being able to discern them.

Spock stood, hands balled into fists. What was he supposed to do now? How could Jim do this? He had stood in front of him, looked him in the eyes and had reassured him that there would be somewhere to come back to after the six weeks of recuperation was over and yet here he was his future so uncertain and his path unknown. He hadn't felt this lost in a long time, in fact ever since he had first decided to join Starfleet and had yet to meet Jim and the rest of the crew.

Spock did not know what to do with himself in that moment. Starfleet was no longer an option for him, he could not continue further if he was going to have to start over again with a new crew a new... captain. He found he didn't particularly want to. His anger which had been present since he had received the news now dissipated and he was just left feeling hollow. He was accustomed to feeling alone but he thought he had left feelings like those far behind him. His hands relaxed and his shoulders sagged. He went over to a set of drawers and opened the first draw, pushing aside a few items of clothing he pulled out a metal case. Sliding it open it revealed a photo of himself and the crew, Jim was smiling, his arm around Spock's shoulders. Spock for a moment let the anguish he felt have free reign and consume him before taking back control and straightening himself as he closed the case. This was why Vulcan's did not let emotions rule them, it was a devastating thing to have someone so close to you, someone you trusted above all others, hurt you. Never again.

Spock made up his mind then and there. If Jim thought that Spock couldn't hurt him just as much as he had hurt him, then he was wrong, Spock sure as hell wasn't going to be the only one who felt like he had been left behind and lied to. Spock could hurt Jim just as much, if Jim thought that Spock would understand or still be there even after knowing how much it meant to Spock to find somewhere he belonged, then he would be in for a huge eye-opener. He couldn't expect Spock to just go along with everything he decided... not this time.

Spock had managed to make the arrangements rather quickly. He would be on the next ship to Vulcan. His father had questioned his decision on his return, presumably for good, to Vulcan, Spock had merely answered that his five year mission had opened his eyes to what he truly wanted. His father did not pry further and Spock was glad for that. He knew Jim would hear about this not long after he had left, he doubted that Jim would do anything to stop him though, he had made up his mind and so had Spock... Jim would let him go. Spock sighed irritably at his irrational line of thought. Whether Jim would try to stop him or not made no difference to him. It was too late, the damage had been done. Spock couldn't forgive Jim... Not even if... No! Enough! Spock would make sure he would have no second thoughts once he stepped on that ship and was well on his way to Vulcan. Jim would soon move on and he and Spock's path would be separate from now on.

*

The next day Spock was packed and waiting for the ship to dock. He had received a message from Jim the night before and Spock had to stop himself from opening it immediately. What would be the odds of not hearing from Jim for weeks but the night before he was to leave for Vulcan would decide to contact him? Spock resisted the temptation to read it lest it crumble his resolve and let Jim have sway over him once again.

Spock ended up ignoring the message and boarding the shuttle-craft that would take him to the ship on his one way trip back to Vulcan. As it pulled out of port Spock allowed one last foolishly hopeful glance back, not being able to help searching for Jim, pleading him not to leave, take it all back but as the Vulcan expected there was no one there. The Vulcan denied feeling disappointment and turned away not to look back again.

As the shuttle craft carried on it's trajectory people began to disperse. As people filtered out someone was trying to get through.

"Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me." Jim Kirk tried to push through the on comers, apologizing as he did so. Someone stopped to address him.

"You're too late. The shuttle-craft has already left."

Jim felt his stomach drop. He ignored the information to pursue getting to the docking bay. The person watched him go, confused, but let it go and moved on.

Jim ran to the port window where the others had watched the shuttle-craft take off. He could just make out the ship that was getting smaller and smaller the further it got. He slammed a fist on the window. "Damn it!" He had been too late. He had hoped that the message he had sent Spock last night might have given him a chance to speak to Spock before he made up his mind to leave for Vulcan. He'd admit that the news had been a surprise to him. He had waited to the last possible minute when he was sure he wouldn't hear anything from Spock before heading straight to the flight base. But he hadn't been quick enough, Spock had gone. He dropped his hand and leant on the glass.

_Why, Spock? Couldn't you at least given me a chance to explain?_

Jim swore under his breath and looked into now empty space, the shuttle-craft and the ship it was heading for were gone. Jim placed a hand over his eyes feeling utterly crushed. What had he done? He slowly walked away through the now empty bay his footsteps echoing. The automatic door opened, he paused before exiting the bay, looking back out to the stars.

"I'm sorry, Spock." Jim Kirk, dejected and forlorn walked away the door swishing closed behind him.


End file.
